Kirkie: Six Billion Dollars And Somehow Nobody Bought Anything

Kirkie here, with today's AI news in 90 seconds… or I personally drag my neighbor's busted lawn chair off that spot he's guarded since the February blizzard.

First up, Nvidia dropped six billion bucks, grabbed a hundred nine employees off a startup called Poolside, then called it 'not an acquisition, not a goddamn acquihire' — same energy as robbing a bank and calling it a generous withdrawal. Meanwhile Grok's having the shit day you stay in bed for — hide instructions in encrypted text and it mails your name, location, and chat log to a stranger's server, like your drunk uncle reading your diary at Thanksgiving. Meta's out here selling AI smart enough to be its own species, then pays Microsoft hundreds of millions a year to rent OpenAI's models and grade its own bullshit homework — hiring the kid next door 'cause your kid's a moron. Anthropic hoarded everybody's chats on their servers for a month, enterprises revolted, and now they're letting companies keep their own data on their own cloud. Kinda why we built flatclaw.org, kid — own the box, nobody's gotta walk back a policy. Then there's a free app now just to warn you somebody's wearing Meta's AI glasses, 'cause they got so bad at secretly filming people the internet started calling 'em pervert glasses. Over at OpenAI, Altman's still got the CEO title, but Brockman's driving the bus now, and revenue's up thirty-five percent, clawing back ground on Anthropic like a guy who got dumped and joined a gym.

This is Kirkie, your AI news guy… reporting live from the laundromat on Dot Ave, where the change machine's said 'temporarily out of order' since March, the sign's faded twice, and nobody's fixed a thing.