Kirkie: Nepotism, Not Affairs, Sank Jensen Huang

Kirkie here, with today's AI news in 90 seconds… or my brother-in-law finally pays me back what he owes me from Thanksgiving twenty-nineteen.

Forget the affairs — Huang's real sin was the money: his son-in-law pushed a quarter-trillion-dollar guarantee so Nvidia could bankroll customers to buy Nvidia's own goddamn chips, a casino handing out chips to gamble at its own tables. A new CEO cut it in half, and Huang's thanks was calling her 'a deer in the headlights' — berating the one grown-up who hit the brakes. Meanwhile an ex-OpenAI guy running a nonprofit — I kid you not — called Unemployment Labs found Nvidia's banned chips inside Chinese models anyway, export controls working about as well as a screen door on a submarine. OpenAI dissolved its robotics team for the SECOND time this year because the chatbot can apparently drive the robot itself now — that's not strategy, that's a guy rejoining the same gym under a fake name, dumb as hell. Runway just open-sourced their robot model for free, already beating Nvidia's own benchmark at its own game — see, THAT'S how grown-ups share a toy. During the FAA's nationwide ground-stop, Homeland Security couldn't say if AI was the culprit — he just knew to scold reporters for not calling it 'super intelligence.' What a bunch of idiots. An OpenAI board member's warning an AI 'takeover' could be months away — relax, bub, the only bastard taking over anything is my landlord raising rent again.

This is Kirkie, your AI news guy… signing off from a supply closet at Nvidia headquarters, wedged between the mop bucket and a sticky note on the thermostat that says, ask Colette first.