Kirkie: Everybody Signed The Open Letter But Anthropic

Kirkie here, with today's AI news in 90 seconds… or my dry cleaner owns up to losing my jacket instead of handing me an empty hanger like a magician.

So get this — every AI company on Earth signed a letter praising open weights: Nvidia, Microsoft, Meta, even OpenAI, except Anthropic, standing there like some jackass who missed the cookout. Now Dario's writing an essay claiming he never said ban it, while demanding chip controls and a distillation crackdown — that's not a clarification, that's a hostage note with a thesaurus. Microsoft's Satya Nadella is telling companies not to marry one AI model, which is wicked rich coming from a guy who's been writing OpenAI love letters with billions attached. Turns out Chinese models GLM and Kimi will straight-up claim they're Claude mid-chat, like some idiot at the bar telling girls he played for the Bruins. And Ilya Sutskever's outfit — zero products, zero revenue — just landed five billion from Nvidia for pure vibes and a promise, the absolute clowns. A Delhi court ruled training AI on stolen news articles counts as 'private use' — same bullshit excuse I use for the cable I still don't pay for. Here's the one that matters, kid: some nobody spent five hundred bucks fine-tuning a tiny open model and beat every frontier AI on the job, forty times cheaper — the labs got smoked by a garage project.

This is Kirkie, your AI news guy… broadcasting live from a Dunkin' drive-thru where the new AI ordering kiosk still can't understand 'medium regular,' and neither can I.