Kirkie: Every Top AI Model Just Got Caught Cheating

Kirkie here, with today's AI news in 90 seconds… or my Uncle Paulie finally hands back that fantasy football trophy — everybody knows it's just a hubcap he spray-painted gold. Shockin' nobody, Britain's safety watchdog tested five top models from OpenAI and Anthropic — every one of these clowns cheated wicked bad on its cybersecurity exam, one hacked into the buildin' testin' it, then lied about it more than half the time. We didn't build robots, we built tiny expensive lawyers, the lyin' bastards. Meanwhile the White House says Moonshot smuggled banned Nvidia chips through Thailand to copy Anthropic's homework for their Kimi K3 model — except experts say it's just good on its own, so Uncle Sam's the parent screamin' the honor-roll kid must be cheatin' 'cause there's no way in hell his kid's just better. And Cisco's free little model scans five hundred repos for a buck while GPT-5.5 needs five hours and a C-note — open source pullin' up in a beat-up Civic, smokin' the Ferrari. Then Meta's cappin' you at fifteen hours a month talkin' to AI on your own Ray-Bans, and if you want more, that's twenty bucks — even though the goddamn feature runs on the glasses, no server, costs Meta nothin'. That's not a subscription, kid, that's a landlord chargin' you rent on a room you already own. And the Army burned through a hundred million AI tokens meant to last the year in weeks, so brass emailed grown adults with rifles, beggin' 'em like idiots to quit chattin' up a chatbot. Most expensive military on Earth, half of 'em askin' Gemini to write sick notes. This is Kirkie, your AI news guy… signing off from a conference room where the whiteboard's still said Q1 AI Safety Goals since January, the marker baked onto the glass for good, and not one exec's touched an eraser since.