Kirkie: Trump And Beijing Agree On One Thing

Kirkie here, with today's AI news in 90 seconds… or Google Maps stops sendin' every U-Haul straight into gettin' Storrowed. Three days ago the AI bosses shook hands on slowin' this train down for safety — Amodei, Altman, Musk, real goddamn Kumbaya moment. By today Trump told 'em to pound sand, Beijing called it garbage, and Zuckerberg already flipped sides to back Jensen Huang, out there sellin' every chip fuelin' this circus, callin' regulation "completely unnecessary." No shit, Jensen — the casino don't want a bouncer either. Meanwhile Mozilla dropped a report sayin' the free open-weight models are only four months behind the paid ones — Moonshot's Kimi K3 lands three lousy points off Anthropic's flagship at thirty percent the cost, and Mozilla's teamin' with Mistral to bake that same open AI right into Firefox, expandin' into France this week. That's like findin' out the knockoff Dunks from the flea market hold up just as good, kid — stop rentin' your brain. Speakin' of rent, OpenAI's shoppin' a funding round at a one-point-two TRILLION dollar valuation before they've even gone public — that's not a company, that's a number Sam Altman made up just to see if investors nod along, and they will, the dipshits. Over at xAI, Grok 4.7 missed its launch date again — Musk says it "needs a few more days to cook," same bullshit my cousin says about a brisket that's been on the smoker since Tuesday and still somehow comes out raw. This is Kirkie, your AI news guy… reporting from a break room where the vending machine's swallowed forty bucks since Labor Day and maintenance still just "lookin' into it.