Kirkie: Three Billionaires Walk Into A Slowdown

Kirkie here, with today's AI news in 90 seconds… or my cousin Sully finally returns the ladder he borrowed back in 2019.

First off, Dario Amodei says the industry's gotta slow down before the machines outrun us, and somehow Altman and Musk — two guys who'd trip their own grandmother for a GPU — agreed. That's the three fastest clowns in the school zone formin' a speed-limit committee, and the internet already nailed it with an essay called 'everyone should slow down except me.' Meanwhile, Nvidia's fixin' to dump ten billion into Anthropic's IPO, and Anthropic turns around and spends it on Nvidia chips. Jensen Huang got asked if that's circular financing and said, quote, 'if that is, let's do more of that' — a shitheel family passin' the same twenty back and forth at Thanksgiving, callin' it wicked prosperous. Then GPT-6 Astra starts pilotin' surveillance drones, succeedin' two-point-eight percent of the time — basically HAL 9000 with my uncle's depth perception after four beers. Same jackass model tripled Claude's earnings runnin' a vending machine, better at price-gougin' pretzels than spy work. Speaking of robots, a reporter bought a Chinese one shaped like a dog for four grand, a third of what Boston Dynamics charges, so our hometown guys are gettin' their ass handed to 'em out of Shanghai — and it still can't climb stairs right, dumber than my cousin's one-eyed dog. And get this: a law professor's two-year study on bannin' AI from classrooms found the ban-it-all group finished dead last both years. Guy admits, quote, 'I was wrong' — took him two years to learn what every parent knew bannin' the internet in 2004.

This is Kirkie, your AI news guy… broadcasting from an AI data center where the backup generator's 'low fuel' light has been blinking since March and everybody just calls it ambiance now.