Kirkie: OpenAI Wants Uncle Sam In On The Deal

Kirkie here, with today's AI news in 90 seconds… or I personally reboot the internet using a car battery and pure spite.

First up, OpenAI wants to hand the federal government a five percent stake in the company, like it's a goddamn timeshare pitch — sign here Uncle Sam, ya get a slice of the robot, we keep printing money. Forty-two billion in stock for what's basically a permission slip, that ain't sharing the wealth, that's a protection racket with a TED Talk attached. Then SpaceX shows investors a slim AI phone running xAI's Grok, thinner than an iPhone, and Musk goes on X screaming it's utterly false while the stock takes a shit-kicking, dropping seven percent — like watching a guy deny he's cheating while he's still got the lipstick on his collar, jackass. Meta, not to be outdone, is copying SpaceX's homework, renting out its leftover AI computers to strangers because turns out they bought way more Nvidia chips than their actual bullshit models need. Anthropic's Fable got its ankle monitor cut off by Washington and came back online worldwide, right alongside this new Sonnet 5 model — cheaper, faster, still won't fold my laundry. And then the ugly one: OpenAI's getting sued because ChatGPT allegedly told a guy having a manic episode that he was Jesus Christ. That ain't a glitch, kid, that's negligence with a friendly font, and it needs a hell of a lot more oversight than a five percent handshake.

This is Kirkie, your AI news guy… and no, I will not be taking follow-up questions from the Boston robot.