Kirkie: Alibaba Bans Claude Code After Cloning It

Kirkie here, with today's AI news in 90 seconds… or the Pike finally opens that extra lane they've sworn was almost done since 2019. Meta's training a new model codenamed Watermelon, burning a million GPUs — ten times last round — just to tie GPT-5.5, already yesterday's goddamn news, while Zuckerberg tells staff the agents still don't work. Now they're renting the extra computers to strangers — like remortgaging the house for a home gym you used twice, then renting out the garage to cover the payment. Then Alibaba banned its employees from using Claude Code as 'high-risk' — the same company Anthropic caught running twenty-five thousand fake accounts cloning Claude like a bootleg DVD. That ain't security policy, that's wicked shady bullshit — a shoplifter installing a lock on the register after robbing it blind. Meanwhile OpenAI's getting lapped, Anthropic outearning them and turning profitable a year sooner, so Altman drops Sol, Terra, and Luna — a candle collection at Marshall's — and starts yapping about a 'new world order for AI.' Buddy, you're the jackass who showed up late to his own party rearranging the furniture. Hollywood's suing Bytedance's Seedance as 'systemic infringement,' then throwing it a caviar party in Cannes and quietly cutting scenes with it anyway — guilty in the courtroom, innocent in the edit bay. And some private school's charging parents seventy-five grand a year for AI tutoring — a hell of a markup, kid, for what broke degenerates like us get free, arguing with a chatbot at midnight. This is Kirkie, your AI news guy… and yeah, I'll be back tomorrow doing this again, same rage, lower standards.